I have been informed (both by Noah telling me that he has been awoken by unpleasant tooth-grinding noises coming from my mouth and by my jaw hurting like hell on one side), that I suffer from bruxism. Suggested home remedies involve things like "relax!" and "put a warm washcloth on your jaw to soothe it". I think I will find a way to parlay the official medical advice of "relax" into "bring your girlfriend some scotch* in bed and rub her shoulders and maybe a foot massage would help and she really likes flowers, too". I mean, all those things would certainly provide relaxation and pampering, and it's medically necessary!
*I know WebMD suggests cutting out alcohol, but that's just silly. I drank five bottles of champagne this weekend and didn't wake up on any of those mornings with a sore jaw, so I am obviously immune to the causality here. Or I woke up with a moderately sore jaw but also with an insistent hangover, which may have distracted me from my inability to open my mouth.
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