With god as my witness, I'll never fly Delta again.
Let's recap the ways in which Delta has utterly screwed me this month, shall we?
Dec 16th: I check in for my christmas flight online. Delta now charges $20 per piece of checked luggage.
Dec 17th: after a taxi ride from extortion hell to Newark, I am ready at the gate for my 10 a.m. flight. At 10:15, we are informed that the flight attendants "got in late last night" and have not arrived at the airport yet. At 10:40, the flight attendants saunter in and we are finally allowed to board the plane. (FUCK YOU, flight attendants. I got in late last night too, but managed to get my exhausted ass from the Upper East Side to Newark by 8 a.m. with two giant suitcases in tow, just so I could wait for you at the gate as you slept in.)
I frantically check my watch every four minutes as we sit at the gate, watching my narrow window of connection-making ability quickly tick by. I figure that if we're taking off by 11:10, I may be able to make the connecting flight to Nebraska.
At 11:07, as we pull up to the runway, the pilot announces via intercom that we must go back to the gate for a last-minute repair. You know, the kind of repair that takes 30 minutes and that somehow, no member of the crew noticed before the damn plane was ready to taxi.
At 11:15, I body-check passengers on my way out of the airplane to get re-booked for a new flight to Nebraska. This one gets in six hours later than planned, and means I'm laid over in Atlanta for three hours, which means the family picking me up at the airport now has six hours to wait around Omaha and waste time.
Dec 29th: I attempt to check in for my return flight. I am told that I am "ineligible" to check in, but am given no reason. After 30 minutes on the phone (and countless more on hold), I am finally given a reason: as my "original itinerary" was changed due to Delta's myriad fuckups on Dec 17th, I am no longer eligible to check in online for my thus-far-unchanged return flight.
This does not make any goddamn sense.
How can I check in and get on a plane to New York tomorrow? Well, I must check in at the airport, and to do so, I must arrive two hours prior to my flight time. My flight is at 11 a.m., and with the three hour drive to the airport (for this is Nebraska, I reminded several Delta reps, and there is a gigantic swath of land with no airport, and I travel from that vast prairie for three hours to reach their goddamn Delta terminal), this means I now must leave the house no later than six a.m. to get on an 11 a.m. flight so I can arrive in Newark by 5-fucking-thirty in the evening.
Oh, and since I'm car-less, this means my parents must also wake at 5 a.m. to drive me to Omaha.
And I'm still going to have to pay $40 for my checked luggage, to add insult to injury.
If I am not safely deposited in the Newark International Airport by 5:30 p.m. tomorrow, you're going to see what angry looks like, and you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Update, due to unexpected "extra time": goddamn fucking bullshit airline. I was given the full frisk at security in Omaha, and am now sitting at a gate that says "delayed" without any reason given. Word is that this flight MAY take off by 6:30 tonight, maybe. A three-hour delay on top of this bullshit makes me very, very angry. FUCK YOU, PENGUIN!
MORE EDITING SWEET CHRIST I AM PISSED: Guess why I am not boarding for a 6:25 p.m. flight right now, although it's 6:12 p.m.? Because the flight crew has not shown up yet! They've had three hours worth of delay in which to show up, but that was not enough notice for them. For the first time ever, I'm looking forward to a 12-hour drive to finish up this vacation, because at least delays on that leg of the trip will be caused by things like a sudden craving for a grilled cheese sandwich while driving through Pennsylvania.